H.O.Q. #6 - Quest 4 Story

HOQ from 7.13.2008 Morton's List 7th Birthdy Party!!!

From Quest 4
IC: monica ouija ZigZag bubz the charming batz ian haluska tilly and david
TM: Batz
ML Deviation Flip Side
Lore Galore
Reality on Film
Start time @ 12:20 am CST
End Time @ 2:00 am CST

Let’s set the scene shall we folks?
We don’t want to start too typically so we’ll start with this.
It was a typical day like any other, the sky was bright yellow, the sun was a happy blue, the fish were tweeting on the rocks and the birds were bubbling in the streams. As the dogs walked along with their people on leashes, occasionally telling them to heel, or sit, or beg for a simple treat. Little did they know that their people pets had decided that they were tired of beings the minions of the dogs and were planning a revolt. So, for many afternoons they got together and talked their plans over and were wondering how to start such a drastic revolution when a distant scream carried on the wind reached their ears…. As I was figuring out the difficult rules to Minesweeper, a jack-in-the-box popped out of a floor tile. An explosive was wedged in every orifice of the fucking creature. In the middle of my panic, the Pope RON Paul calls me to inform me he's pregnant with Bobcat Goldthwait's child. As I looked at him in dismay I said, "This can’t be. Surely it must be the work of some Morton's List prank. He assured me it wasn't. All the time I was wondering how the Pope came back from the dead and had a child. That takes a lot of energy. I can only presume that he had most certainly undone his emerald bindings cast upon his appendages by the Afghanistan militia with the power of AirDoctor: The Incedious non-ozone depleting wizard of Shnozberry Farms. Lost in thought, a Yinoctile Scorpion tied my scrotum together and I fell up to the ceiling, just nearly dodging the Viking spike pit I installed in case gravity ceased to exist. Once undone, I felt the urge to relieve myself before continuing this day any longer. Who would have known that the potassium in my oozing life spasms would react so violently in the jack-in-the-box's mouth? Killing it instantly, all the while producing an aromatic diflouroethane gas. But alas, that was but the beginnings of my trouble, for the dog overlords were finally cracking down on their human servitors, eating grass, and then promptly hurling it back up, as most dog overlords would do. But alas, their reign was short-lived as the ground cracked open and the earth itself spewed plasma fire and daffodil fragrance as the true ruler of earth surfaced to vanquish its canine oppressors... yes, READING ROBOT HAS RISEN ONCE AGAIN! Wielding his mighty spear of destiny and a trashcan lid. "Behold!" he yelled out as the army of dogs amassed their attack on Reading Robot, charging towards him in the moat of melted butter in their banana-torpedo boats, firing off thousands of anti-robot torpedoes and tennis ball launchers altered to fire bricks. As the incoming volley of bricks and torpedoes whizzed pleasantly through the air, Reading Robot stood his ground. By now I had almost forgotten about the difficult rules of Minesweeper and was more worried about this Reading Robot. I have read tales of this demonic being and it was all about scoring with the ladies. What a pickle the Earth was currently in; domesticated pets wanting to rule the world, Reading Robot’s rise from the center of the Earth, my balls having been banned together, lack of gravity, and the rules of minesweeper still eating away in the back of my brain. The Pope’s problems meant nothing now as this war that was being waged between the pets and the Reading Robot was the center of all attention. My first objective was to free my balls, finding a near by wire cutters, I was able to free my balls which have since turned blue. Ahh that felt better, did I have time to whack one off quick, or should I focus my attention on the war, or worry about the Pope, or get back to learning the rules of Minesweeper? This is getting deep. Not knowing where to focus my attention, I decided to avoid it all and sat down to watch the news. To my amazement, the Pope had had his illegitimate child and was being asked questions from the press about his return from the dead and his unorthodox relationship with Goldthwait. Pope Ron Paul made the announcement that his child was born due to divine intervention. His child was not of this planet and was born to assist the Reading Robot in his attack against the canine oppressors. I sat glued to the television as I watched the Pope’s and Goldthwait’s child transform into an invincible he/she fighting machine before my very eyes. The newly created lovechild began fighting side by side with Reading Robot and using a makeshift carrot and turnip sword to surround the ever dwindling canine herd and force them into the bubbling lava still oozing from where Reading Robot had arisen. One by one all the canines became enveloped by the Earth’s Center and instantly disintegrated only to form the most awe-inspiring lavender lake the Earth has yet to see. Relieved that the war had ended, I began to massage my still sore scrotum and fantasize about all the porn I’d be able to download since porn never downloads itself.